Restaurant Review: Sorry For Using Up All the Tissues

I felt bad about what happened at the restaurant earlier and so I wanted to write this review to clear everything up. And sorry for giving only two stars. This was due to my own shame and embarrassment and the resulting negative experience I had at the eatery. Actually, the restaurant deserves more stars... like three maybe. The staff were ok, apart from all the fuss they made around my extensive tissue-use. 

I apologize for having used up all the tissues at my table. The somtam was incredibly spicy and I kept eating more and more in between wiping my nose. Spicy food makes my nose run no matter what the level of spiciness is. Even if it's only a bit spicy, my nose will run. However, the spicier it is, the more my nose runs. And this was the spiciest somtam I've ever eaten. I'm sorry for having used up the full roll of tissues on our table before asking for more.

Right before I did ask for more, I started getting looks from the restaurant staff about the mountain of tissues on my table. This was followed by some whispering amongst the staff before I heard them snickering about it. I know it must be uncommon for them to see but I was hoping the owner of the joint would be a bit more mature and sensible about it. In fact, it was the owner that started laughing when his staff whispered to him that I was using a lot of tissues. I had a bad reaction to that.

I tried to signal "What? What?" by using my hands but perhaps my sign language was misunderstood by the owner who made an appalling gesture towards me. He waved his arm quickly as if to say "be gone with you!" At this point, my nose started running so I didn't have a chance to mend our weak communication signals. If I could've said anything at the time it would've been this: "It's super spicy. What are ya'll snickering about back there? Don't make me come back there." 

I continued blowing my nose and the restaurant staff continued giggling like little girls. I also sneezed a few times and this made some of the little girls in the restaurant start laughing outloud. It was a total LOL moment for many in the restaurant because by now the other customers had caught on to what the staff were snickering about. However, the other customers didn't have as much responsibility towards keeping social harmony in the restaurant. And so they laughed without reserve at the poor guy using up tonnes of tissues to eat the little plate of somtam.

Unfortunately, it was right around when a lot of the customers were all-out laughing their asses off when the roll of tissues ran out. The owner looked even more pissed than before as he shook his head and walked away while mumbling some curse words under his breath. His staff couldn't hold it in any longer either and they started laughing outloud just like the customers. One guy who was there with his kid waiting to pick up his food started pointing at me and talking to his kid. At that point, his kid looked me in the eye and called me stupid.

Others had started taking photos but it wasn't until I got up to find more tissues that people started taking videos. At first I had tried to get the attention of the restaurant staff. They kept nudging one another to go to my table because none of them wanted to help this snot-nosed guy. Finally, I couldn't wait any longer because as I was flailing my hands around to get their attention, boogers started dripping down my nose. At first I tried to ignore the boogers but that didn't work. Then I tried to wipe them off with the crumpled up tissues I had already used. That made things worse and more people took even more photos. Finally, I got up to solve the problem myself.

I got up while wiping the boogers from my nose with my bare hands. I looked around with blurred out eyes to scope out a table with no customers. There was a table all the way in the back. I ran to the table accompanied by roaring laughter in the restaurant. By now, every single customer and staff member laughed uncontrollably, some holding their camera phones up with shaky hands as they tried to record what was happening. Others were red in the face and howling with laughter as I finally reached the vacant table at the back.

Everybody noticed as I realized that the table had no tissues. This made things worse on two levels. Firstly, my boogers were out of control and I had to wipe them off with my whole arm as my hand was too dirty from the boogers I had wiped on my way to the table. I didn't want to use my other hand because the light at the end of the tunnel was also the very problem that put me in this situation: I wanted to finish eating the somtam. And secondly, everybody thought it was extremely hilarious that I went all that way for more tissues only to be faced with absolutely none.

I looked around for another table but I couldn't see any other empty tables. As I looked around, I noticed that people in front of the restaurant had now lined up to see what all the laughter was about. There were half a dozen people standing there and taking videos of their own. I just wanted to wipe my nose and continue eating the super spicy somtam. I didn't see what all the excitement was about. Wasn't everyone eating the somtam too? Why weren't theirs as spicy?

Finally, I had to resort to going from table to table to ask for people's tissues. The first table I went to had four full plates of somtam, four faces smiling from ear to ear as they looked up at me, and four pairs of hands holding camera phones up to my face. I scanned the table for tissues but couldn't find any. I went to the next table as the previous one roared into laughter and an excited discussion about the guy with uncontrollable mucus.

At the next table, there were two people laughing their asses off as one of the two recorded the incident. I couldn't speak because if I opened my mouth, snot would enter my mouth. And so I just pointed at the tissues on the table. The person who wasn't filming was crying with laughter by this point as she handed me the roll of tissues and yelled something at me. I couldn't make out what she yelled because the whole place was so loud with people roaring with laughter. 

As I tried to run back, the roll of toilet paper in my hands dropped and rolled down the aisle. I chased after it as people reached a whole new level of loud with their laughter. There were what could only be described as monkey-like screams of laughter in the place. I ran after the roll and finally caught it. I picked up the dirty tissues and resorted to wipe my nose with them immediately, not waiting to get back to my table. After I cleaned up my face, hand, and arm with the tissues, I started taking baby steps back to my unfinished somtam. I had to go slowly because my eyes were still a bit blurry from the spiciness.

The monkey-like squeals of laughter kept on as I struggled to eat another spoonful of the spicy-as-hell somtam. In fact, two people fell to the floor with uncontrollable laughter at this point. I looked around, hoping to see at least one person who wasn't dying laughing at my sorry state. I had to scan the whole restaurant and I finally found one person who was still, just watching with rather angry eyes. It was the owner of the restaurant all the way in the back who observed everything with rage. I was happy to have found that one person who restored my faith in humanity that good people do exist in this world.

I struggled to eat spoonful after spoonful of the spicy somtam as the laughing only gradually died down. The two people who had fell from their chairs in a fit of uncontrollable laughter were still seated on the ground and still laughing with red faces. A lot of people were still recording the incident as well. Finally, I ate the last spoonful of the deadly hot somtam and asked for some milk. The restaurant staff bawled their eyes out with laughter at my request. Finally, a glass of milk was brought to me after one of the staff clumsily shuffled around in the kitchen, red in the face with laughter and loving it.

I drank the milk and calmed down. People also calmed down and put their camera phones away. The owner of the restaurant came to give me the bill himself. He notified me that I would be charged an extra 5 baht per roll for all the tissues I used up. He also told me to take the remaining roll of tissues home. He was still a bit upset but relieved that I was leaving. I was thankful for this kind man who didn't laugh in a storm of hysterical laughter. 

Every table was talking about the incident as I stepped out of the restaurant, took a breath of fresh air, and told myself that it was over. I smiled awkwardly at the people standing in front of the restaurant who wanted to witness the poor guy struggle to eat his somtam with a nose full of snot. I left the place with a smile knowing that my dignity had now begun to restore itself. It could only get better from here. Once again, I apologize to the restaurant owner and the staff for the mess I created with my mountains of tissues and the drama that followed. I probably would eat at the restaurant again but not until at least next month. Oh and by the way, the food was pretty good.