A Culture of Non-Confrontation
In a previous post titled Couchsurfing Communication, I talked about confrontation in Thai culture. Some recent events have shaped my understanding of the culture I am immersed in. I would like to share three new stories with you in this post. My aim is not to compare this culture to another. My aim is to raise awareness, and take this opportunity to uplift humanity.
The biggest of the three stories is about the use of the Thai word for foreigner (ฝรั่ง). It must be understood that though the English word and the Thai word are counterparts, the meanings differ based on the culture. In Canada, it is considered inappropriate to call somebody a foreigner. The word can still be used in certain contexts without being offensive. For example, imagine somebody telling their friend that they saw somebody else taking a crap on the street. The friend would probably then ask how that was possible. "Well it must have been a foreigner, you see. They spoke no English," could be an appropriate answer. Though unrealistic, this amusing little example illustrates the point that the word itself is neither bad nor good but that its usage determines its appropriateness. If somebody in Canada would use this word while directly calling someone else, then that would be considered very offensive. "Hey foreigner, pass me that plate." This is the same in Thai culture actually. It would be seem very unfriendly for anyone to be the target of a sentence like that. Those same words were used towards me, not by a Thai person, but a Malaysian couchsurfer who thought she was being funny. I corrected her of course and thankfully it's not something common enough that I have to put up with it regularly.
However there can be unfriendly uses of the word foreigner, 'farang' in Thai (ฝรั่ง). Recently I was subject to some confusion and frustration over the use of the word. I usually buy soymilk here in the market I live in. The aunty who sells me the soymilk is very kind and she likes to chat with me. She has never once used the F word with me but tends to refer to me as the handsome picture. However, her direct neighbour is a lady selling various vegetables right next to her who has been using this word with me throughout. And oppositely to the kind aunt, this is the only word she uses in reference to me. This is something I had noticed many months ago but only got around to resolving the problem in the last little while. Her use of the word foreigner was excessive. Everytime I stood there to buy soymilk, she would say it. And then she would repeat it in reference to me throughout the duration of my purchasing soymilk and chatting with the kind aunt. It was getting to be too much but good thing she is the only person in the market to refer to me that way. Most people here call me by my name, little brother, the teacher, or in some kind of endearing way.
I thought of confronting her and imagined various scenarios in which I talk to her directly about it. It never happened for two reasons that I can think of. One is that I would usually be tired and hungry on my way home from work when it happens. The second reason is that the cultural framework in which I am operating in doesn't really honour direct confrontations of that sort. Finally, it was clear in my mind that the soul-ution was to talk to the kind aunt. But before I could, I ended up talking to another kind person, a sister I recently met here in the market. She promised to help me talk to her about it. But before that happened, I intercepted the kind aunt during breakfast and invited her to talk to that sister about it who was ready to help me out in this situation. Aunt Siew came and with the moral support of sister Iyed, I explained the situation. What happened next restored my hope in humanity and amazed me.
Aunt Siew was totally on the same page as me. She said that it appears unfriendly for her to use this word and that she didn't like it either. She said that it doesn't live up to the standards of Thainess for her to constantly call me by that word. She continued to talk about our responsibilities to one another as neighbours. She was not only kind but also a visionary for humanity. And she even talked about kindness as being the way. I was really moved by her grasp over the situation and vision for mankind. She told me that she would help me out by talking to the person who repeatedly calls me foreigner. In that moment, all my frustration was lifted and I felt the dissolution of the problem. It was today, about a week after talking to the visionary aunt about the problem, that I finally got the chance to ask her about what happened. She said that she talked to her about it and that everything was okay now. I had bought soymilk twice since talking to her a week ago and the lady selling vegetables didn't say a word and avoided looking at me altogether. That is better than before but the next step is to have a friendlier dialogue.
Again, I want to express my understanding over the use of the word in Thai. It doesn't have a bad meaning. It can be used appropriately and inappropriately. For example, saying "Oh that foreigner can speak Thai," is actually relevant because it is understood that most westerners in Thailand cannot speak the language. Or if somebody you don't know saw you for the first time and used that word in describing you, that is quite normal. A strange use of the word that I have encountered was once when my friend was introducing me to a friend of his saying "This is EG. He's a foreigner." His friend wasn't listening the first time and he had to repeat the same sentence again word for word. I was standing there wondering if the friend was secretly blind and couldn't see that I was western for herself.
I forgive every use of the word and I hold nothing against anyone. I also learned that in order to get things done, we need to ask a friend for help. It can be challenging to confront people in certain situations no matter the culture. But here especially, it seems more harmonious, more integrated with all life to find an indirect way.
The second story is one in which I was instructed by several people not to directly confront my next door neighbours. Very recently, some college students moved into the room next to mine. One night while I was home I heard someone rattle the doorknob on my door and I immediately leaped to the door and opened it up to see what it was. My response was self-protective and precautionary as if to suggest "Don't be trying this doorhandle fool!" However, the sight I saw when my door swung open was very domestic and far from dangerous. A man was standing there whispering "Sorry," to me while his family members were already inside the room next door. They must have carried various loads upstairs already because the room was full of bags. There was a grandmother playing with her child and a few young adults looking observant over the room and paying no attention to me. I smiled and closed the door. Later I learned that a brother and sister had moved in.
Months later, I don't know where the brother and sister had gone but there were now two or three college students living there. I had begun to see cigarette butts in the corridor and I was wondering if it was them. This was confirmed when I started smelling smoke coming from their room. I don't mind them smoking in their room but how dare you throw your cigarette butts in the corridor? Again, I had begun thinking about how to confront these people. I thought that I would simply ask them not to do it. Before I got the chance to do so, I saw my landlord and talked to her about it. She said that she was aware of the problem and had already suggested to these youngins that they ought to be looking for a new place before the next semester. I like that she was merciful enough to let them stay until the end of the semester. When I told her my thoughts about talking to them about the cigarette butts, she instructed me not to. "Don't do that," she simply said and offered no reason why. Later when I talked to another aunt in the neighbourhood, she said the same thing. "Don't do that."
It is in my cultural operating system to take responsibility and try to help bring a soul-ution to the problem. It was automatic for me to begin thinking about scenarios in which I ask the college students not to throw away their cigarette butts in the hallway. However, the elders in my environment were just as automatic in telling me not to do so. I'm surprised they didn't add a "don't even think about it."
These are instances of non-confrontation in my experience here. Problems are like construction work in the road. For a period of time, the soul-ution is to take a detour. And once the problems are solved in our conscious framework and the construction workers have cleared up the rubble, the road looks cleaner than ever and the underlying pipes work better than ever. In these examples, the detour/soul-ution involves not confronting the situation directly. Being indirect and telling neighbours who can help poised a soul-ution in both cases. However the third story is quite the opposite - I was told by everybody to confront the people responsible and threaten to take a certain action.
Everybody I talked to about the problems I was having with my phone service provider, True Move, told me to do exactly the same thing. They said go the True Store and tell them that you will change your provider. About half a dozen people gave me the same clear-cut instructions during the period of time I had a problem with the service. Finally, I went back to the True Store and asked to see a manager. In my mind, I had planned it out to follow the word everyone had given me. But it played out a bit more positively than that. I started off by telling the manager that I was a True customer for three years and that I was really happy with their service all that time. I said that I liked True move, but was wondering why it was that I had to come into the store five times in the last month because of these issues. As soon as I said that, the manager asked me to follow her to a computer workstation. She began keying away and asked me for various bits and pieces of information. In the end she hooked me up with three months of free unlimited internet, unlimited calls, and 200 baht in my account. I was so thankful for this manager's help. I walked out wondering about the contrast between what everybody told me to say and what I ended up saying.
It is clear that in certain aspects of Thai culture, you are told not to directly confront people. But it's not the case every time. Sometimes you are told the opposite. For me, which pathway you take to the soul-ution isn't as important as the action of having taken a path. Any path will do so long as it leads to a soul-ution. There is more than one right way of doing things. Also, if I could talk to myself 3 months ago about all of these issues, I would say "Don't worry. Be happy. This too shall pass. And worrying isn't a pathway to the soul-ution. I love you." I don't have a time machine but I do have the present moment. So I am telling myself the same message from here on out. Peace.
The biggest of the three stories is about the use of the Thai word for foreigner (ฝรั่ง). It must be understood that though the English word and the Thai word are counterparts, the meanings differ based on the culture. In Canada, it is considered inappropriate to call somebody a foreigner. The word can still be used in certain contexts without being offensive. For example, imagine somebody telling their friend that they saw somebody else taking a crap on the street. The friend would probably then ask how that was possible. "Well it must have been a foreigner, you see. They spoke no English," could be an appropriate answer. Though unrealistic, this amusing little example illustrates the point that the word itself is neither bad nor good but that its usage determines its appropriateness. If somebody in Canada would use this word while directly calling someone else, then that would be considered very offensive. "Hey foreigner, pass me that plate." This is the same in Thai culture actually. It would be seem very unfriendly for anyone to be the target of a sentence like that. Those same words were used towards me, not by a Thai person, but a Malaysian couchsurfer who thought she was being funny. I corrected her of course and thankfully it's not something common enough that I have to put up with it regularly.
Klongrien Market
However there can be unfriendly uses of the word foreigner, 'farang' in Thai (ฝรั่ง). Recently I was subject to some confusion and frustration over the use of the word. I usually buy soymilk here in the market I live in. The aunty who sells me the soymilk is very kind and she likes to chat with me. She has never once used the F word with me but tends to refer to me as the handsome picture. However, her direct neighbour is a lady selling various vegetables right next to her who has been using this word with me throughout. And oppositely to the kind aunt, this is the only word she uses in reference to me. This is something I had noticed many months ago but only got around to resolving the problem in the last little while. Her use of the word foreigner was excessive. Everytime I stood there to buy soymilk, she would say it. And then she would repeat it in reference to me throughout the duration of my purchasing soymilk and chatting with the kind aunt. It was getting to be too much but good thing she is the only person in the market to refer to me that way. Most people here call me by my name, little brother, the teacher, or in some kind of endearing way.
I thought of confronting her and imagined various scenarios in which I talk to her directly about it. It never happened for two reasons that I can think of. One is that I would usually be tired and hungry on my way home from work when it happens. The second reason is that the cultural framework in which I am operating in doesn't really honour direct confrontations of that sort. Finally, it was clear in my mind that the soul-ution was to talk to the kind aunt. But before I could, I ended up talking to another kind person, a sister I recently met here in the market. She promised to help me talk to her about it. But before that happened, I intercepted the kind aunt during breakfast and invited her to talk to that sister about it who was ready to help me out in this situation. Aunt Siew came and with the moral support of sister Iyed, I explained the situation. What happened next restored my hope in humanity and amazed me.
Aunt Siew was totally on the same page as me. She said that it appears unfriendly for her to use this word and that she didn't like it either. She said that it doesn't live up to the standards of Thainess for her to constantly call me by that word. She continued to talk about our responsibilities to one another as neighbours. She was not only kind but also a visionary for humanity. And she even talked about kindness as being the way. I was really moved by her grasp over the situation and vision for mankind. She told me that she would help me out by talking to the person who repeatedly calls me foreigner. In that moment, all my frustration was lifted and I felt the dissolution of the problem. It was today, about a week after talking to the visionary aunt about the problem, that I finally got the chance to ask her about what happened. She said that she talked to her about it and that everything was okay now. I had bought soymilk twice since talking to her a week ago and the lady selling vegetables didn't say a word and avoided looking at me altogether. That is better than before but the next step is to have a friendlier dialogue.
Again, I want to express my understanding over the use of the word in Thai. It doesn't have a bad meaning. It can be used appropriately and inappropriately. For example, saying "Oh that foreigner can speak Thai," is actually relevant because it is understood that most westerners in Thailand cannot speak the language. Or if somebody you don't know saw you for the first time and used that word in describing you, that is quite normal. A strange use of the word that I have encountered was once when my friend was introducing me to a friend of his saying "This is EG. He's a foreigner." His friend wasn't listening the first time and he had to repeat the same sentence again word for word. I was standing there wondering if the friend was secretly blind and couldn't see that I was western for herself.
I forgive every use of the word and I hold nothing against anyone. I also learned that in order to get things done, we need to ask a friend for help. It can be challenging to confront people in certain situations no matter the culture. But here especially, it seems more harmonious, more integrated with all life to find an indirect way.
All of the photos on this page were taken by Charles, a French Canadian couchsurfer whom I had the pleasure of hosting on two different occasions.
The second story is one in which I was instructed by several people not to directly confront my next door neighbours. Very recently, some college students moved into the room next to mine. One night while I was home I heard someone rattle the doorknob on my door and I immediately leaped to the door and opened it up to see what it was. My response was self-protective and precautionary as if to suggest "Don't be trying this doorhandle fool!" However, the sight I saw when my door swung open was very domestic and far from dangerous. A man was standing there whispering "Sorry," to me while his family members were already inside the room next door. They must have carried various loads upstairs already because the room was full of bags. There was a grandmother playing with her child and a few young adults looking observant over the room and paying no attention to me. I smiled and closed the door. Later I learned that a brother and sister had moved in.
Months later, I don't know where the brother and sister had gone but there were now two or three college students living there. I had begun to see cigarette butts in the corridor and I was wondering if it was them. This was confirmed when I started smelling smoke coming from their room. I don't mind them smoking in their room but how dare you throw your cigarette butts in the corridor? Again, I had begun thinking about how to confront these people. I thought that I would simply ask them not to do it. Before I got the chance to do so, I saw my landlord and talked to her about it. She said that she was aware of the problem and had already suggested to these youngins that they ought to be looking for a new place before the next semester. I like that she was merciful enough to let them stay until the end of the semester. When I told her my thoughts about talking to them about the cigarette butts, she instructed me not to. "Don't do that," she simply said and offered no reason why. Later when I talked to another aunt in the neighbourhood, she said the same thing. "Don't do that."
It is in my cultural operating system to take responsibility and try to help bring a soul-ution to the problem. It was automatic for me to begin thinking about scenarios in which I ask the college students not to throw away their cigarette butts in the hallway. However, the elders in my environment were just as automatic in telling me not to do so. I'm surprised they didn't add a "don't even think about it."
These are instances of non-confrontation in my experience here. Problems are like construction work in the road. For a period of time, the soul-ution is to take a detour. And once the problems are solved in our conscious framework and the construction workers have cleared up the rubble, the road looks cleaner than ever and the underlying pipes work better than ever. In these examples, the detour/soul-ution involves not confronting the situation directly. Being indirect and telling neighbours who can help poised a soul-ution in both cases. However the third story is quite the opposite - I was told by everybody to confront the people responsible and threaten to take a certain action.
The pathways we take in solving our problems strengthen us.
Everybody I talked to about the problems I was having with my phone service provider, True Move, told me to do exactly the same thing. They said go the True Store and tell them that you will change your provider. About half a dozen people gave me the same clear-cut instructions during the period of time I had a problem with the service. Finally, I went back to the True Store and asked to see a manager. In my mind, I had planned it out to follow the word everyone had given me. But it played out a bit more positively than that. I started off by telling the manager that I was a True customer for three years and that I was really happy with their service all that time. I said that I liked True move, but was wondering why it was that I had to come into the store five times in the last month because of these issues. As soon as I said that, the manager asked me to follow her to a computer workstation. She began keying away and asked me for various bits and pieces of information. In the end she hooked me up with three months of free unlimited internet, unlimited calls, and 200 baht in my account. I was so thankful for this manager's help. I walked out wondering about the contrast between what everybody told me to say and what I ended up saying.
It is clear that in certain aspects of Thai culture, you are told not to directly confront people. But it's not the case every time. Sometimes you are told the opposite. For me, which pathway you take to the soul-ution isn't as important as the action of having taken a path. Any path will do so long as it leads to a soul-ution. There is more than one right way of doing things. Also, if I could talk to myself 3 months ago about all of these issues, I would say "Don't worry. Be happy. This too shall pass. And worrying isn't a pathway to the soul-ution. I love you." I don't have a time machine but I do have the present moment. So I am telling myself the same message from here on out. Peace.
My Thai moms here in the market
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